2014 - THE YEAR OF PURPOSEFUL ACTION

A NEW YEAR, A NEW CHAPTER, A NEW OUTLOOK

It is customary that when a new year dawns one turns to thoughts of what has passed, what is now and what will be.  An autopsy, if you will.  The beginning of a new year has such significance, such a sense of transition, that we beat ourselves up for the missteps of the past year as well set grandiose expectations of the next year.  We are left with a sense of melancholy and apprehension.  Also, however, with enthusiasm.  We have another year to get it right, make it right, or keep it on the right track.  It is fresh, ready to birth anything we desire.

At the climax of 2013 and the rise of 2014 I was struck by the urge to have a different perspective. 

Of course, the autopsy happened.  The past year was one of incredible peaks of love, belonging and acceptance juxtaposed with unbelievable loss, despair and feeling adrift at sea.  This past year I have questioned the meaning of friendship and what it means when friends act in a way not congruent with what you thought was their character and in ways that you now understand was their character all along.  What to do when people stand idly by choosing to be spectators when they are important participants.  How to reconcile that you have chosen people to be your family, chosen family, and they do not have that same sense of closeness.   I have questioned my past choices and what those choices mean to me moving forward and sometimes regretted them deeply.  I have struggled with feelings of worthlessness and inadequacy and how that has caused me to fear both failure and success.  I have tried to embrace that all of our experiences matter and have gotten us to the place we are today so there are no wastes of time, only learning.  I reveled in the love of a soul-mate, a life partner, one I never thought existed.  I loved that I found another that truly belongs with me and I with him, no question.  I was thankful daily for the continued presence of my parents, the only family I grew up with, along with the sadness of their getting older.  I came to a clearer understanding that I have work to do but not the work that I thought I still had.  I ended the year with a new, enlightening and somewhat sad understanding that love is both a light shining love on your soul as well as standing in the vast darkness of our humanness with another and choosing to stay, to stand by your chosen one, no matter what.

I didn't want to make another "resolution" or list my goals.  The one thing that stood out for me was the nagging feeling of, or the question, what am I building?  I cannot say that I have not pondered this question before in slightly different terms (what is my passion?).  And I also cannot say that I have had much success at answering the question.  I am hopeful that the change in the question, after all it is a different question, will allow me to reach the answer from a different perspective.  Like when you lay on the floor of a room you have living in for years but the change in perspective makes you feel like you are in a place you have never been before, seeing things as you have never seen them.  Instead of the almost esoteric question of 'what is your passion in life?' it comes at it in a more results oriented way.  "What do you want to build?"  I have sold myself short by living others expectations and letting life lead me instead of me living my life.   Not in every way, but many ways.  This is my work for the new year.  Build something purposefully.  Find out where I want to go and get on the road. 

WORDS TO THE WISE #16

"EFFORTLESS" EDITION


CATHOLICON
noun
a universal remedy or panacea, cure-all, a remedy for all ills; a comprehensive treatise. 


I was drawn to this word today.  Maybe it is my wanting for a happy ending that is effortless.  Or maybe the desire for an easy way out of any troubles.  Who knows.  But I think when something jumps out at you take the time to welcome it, entertain it and figure out if you were meant to send it back out into the world or have it stay in your metaphorical guest room for a while.  Perhaps it was destined to live with you, in you, forever.

WORDS TO THE WISE #15

"'BETWEEN A ROCK AND A HARD PLACE" EDITION


FILIPENDULOUS
adjective
suspended by or strung upon a single thread

ZUGZWANG
noun
a position in which any decision or move will result in problems; a situation where somebody is forced to act, but would prefer to remain passive; in chess occurs when one player is put at a disadvantage because he/she has to make a move

MULLIGRUBS
noun
a state of depression or low spirits; sullenness, sulky behavior

LALOCHEZIA
noun
the use of foul or abusive language to relieve stress or ease pain

ENANTIODROMIA
noun
the changing of something to it's opposite; the Jungian principle whereby the superabundance of one force inevitably produces its opposite, as with physical equilibrium

Hopefully, the next chapter of "Words to the Wise" will see it's enantiodromia.

WORDS TO THE WISE(+) 14

"CURIOSITY MAY HAVE KILLED THE CAT..." EDITION

One of the most important convictions I hold is the idea of "continuous learning and growth."  I firmly believe that we continue to learn (and hopefully, therefore grow) every day of our lives.  It is a sad state of mind indeed if you feel you have nothing left to explore, seek, and find and even more so if you feel you know everything,  One of the great enterprises of human existence is our ability to think, learn, (ponder again) and modify ourselves accordingly. 

Curiosity is the main ingredient (or at least a significant one) for genius.  It is the precursor to creativity, discovery and finally invention and advancement.  ALL of the most creative and clever people I know have an incredible amount of curiosity about the world around them.  So, my self-imposed directive for the rest of 2012 is "cultivate curiosity."

CURIOSITY
noun
an eagerness to know about something or to get information; a desire to know or learn; interest leading to inquiry; inquisitiveness; is a quality related to inquisitive thinking such as exploration, investigation, and learning, evident by observation in human and many animal species, the term can also be used to denote the behavior itself being caused by the emotion of curiosity, as this emotion represents a thirst for knowledge; intense desire to know and understand

INQUISITIVE
adj
eager for knowledge; given to examination or investigation; given to inquiry, research, or asking questions; inclined to investigate

WORDS TO THE WISE - 13

"CARRYING ON WHERE I LEFT OFF SO VERY LONG AGO" EDITION

My own personal megalomania, or idee fixe, is WORDS.  I have always loved them, obsessed over them, collected them, and have been an annoyance to others regarding them.  I am a sumpsimus and most others, I fear, would consider me pedantic (about more than this unfortunately).  Words excite me.  I love just looking at them, reading them, finding new ones, using the ones I know, and yes correcting others usage of them.  I even prefer them in my art and love being surrounded by them.  However, I am sure I am not alone.  I can happily say that I know at least one other with a similar engrossment.  I have not, so far, been too keen on sharing or studying etymology as I am much more interested in actual usage than history or origins.  Perhaps this will change in time and as I evolve.

So back to sharing some interesting words that I find piquant.

LOGOPHILE
noun
greek for lover of words (logophilia, philologue, philologer)

PHILONOIST
noun
a lover of learning; a lover of intelligence or knowledge; someone who is seeking knowledge

WORDS TO THE WISE - 12

MUMPSIMUS
noun
a view stubbornly held even when shown to be wrong or one holding such a view; adherance to or persistance in an erroneous use of language, memorization, practice, belief, etc, out of habit or obstinancy or a person who persists in such a way; a bigoted adherant to exposed but customary error

SUMPSIMUS
noun
an adherance to or persisence in using a strictly correct term, holding to a precise practice as a rejection of an erroneous but more common form or a person who is obstinant or zealous about such strict correctness; a strictly correct expression or usage substituted for an old popular error

PEDANTIC
adj.
too concerned with formal rules and details; narrowly, stodgily, and often ostentatiously learned; unimaginative, pedestrian; overly concerned with minute details or formalisms, especially in teaching; ostentatious in one's learning; bookish, precise


It is funny how situations teach us new things and even lead to cool new words...  And how those new words lead us to even more cool words...  And then eventually lead back to more familiar ones.

WORDS TO THE WISE - 11

SPATCHCOCK
verb or noun
To insert into a text too hurriedly or inappropriately; a fowl stuffed and cooked immediately after killing; to introduce or interpose especially in a labored or unsuitable manner; to insert or interpolate especially in a forced or incongruous manner; a roughly prepared and cooked fowl.

If you look up this word you will likely find it to be a word used in most often a culinary context.  However, I think this is a fascinating word thats value lies not merely in its culinary usage but as a way to describe something done in haste and without proper forethought that turns out to be ill prepared and ill received.  I may be taking too sweeping of a literary license here but to me it means something that is done by flying off the handle or so quickly as to not invite any of that wise old adage "think before you speak/take action."

WORDS TO THE WISE - 10

ZETETIC
adj. or noun (depending on usage)
proceeded by inquiry, a search or investigation, a skeptical seeker of knowledge; means both the process of inquiry and the seeker of such; a seeker of greater truths who is always wary of falsehoods; inquiring or investigating or proceeding by inquiring or investigating

WORDS TO THE WISE - 9

NEPENTHE
noun
a potion used by the ancients to induce forgetfulness of pain or sorrow, something capable of causing oblivion of grief or suffering; anything inducing a pleasurable sensation of forgetfulness especially of sorrow or trouble
[From ancient Greek for a medicine for sorrow, literally an antidepressant.  Figuratively it means that which chases away sorrow, not sorrow or anti-sorrow.  The word nepenthe first appears in the fourth book of Homer's Odyssey.]

WORDS TO THE WISE - 8

"EROTIC" EDITION

CONCUPISCENCE
noun
strong desire, sexual desire, lust; ardent, sensuous longing

LUBRICIOUS
adj.
marked by wantonness; arousing or expressive of sexual desire; lustful, lecherous

WORDS TO THE WISE - 7

"EEYORE" EDITION

LUGUBRIOUS
adj.
mournful, dismal, or gloomy especially in an affected, exaggerated or unrelieved manner or to a ludicrous degree

SISYPHEAN
adj.
endlessly laborious and futile
(Derives from the story in Greek mythology of Sisyphus who was condemned after his death to perpetually roll a huge stone to the top of a hill, only to have it roll back each time he neared his goal.)

WORDS TO THE WISE - 6

"TOO MANY COOL WORDS TO CHOOSE" EDITION

PHRONTISTERY
noun
an establishment for study and learning

BARATHRUM
noun
an abyss, a bottomless pit or hell; an insatiable person

GROWLERY
noun
a retreat for times of ill humour

HAECCEITY
noun
the aspect of existence on which individuality depends; the hereness and nowness of reality; that sense one gets of being in the present tense; the pure experience of a single moment in time

LUCUBRATION
noun
study or composition lasting late into the night; laborious study or meditation, writing produced by laborious effort or study especially at night


Those who know me will understand immediately the draw of each and every one of these words.  Being one who is given to times of lucubration in a phrontistery of her own making and hoping to reach haecceity as it seems a better way to live ones life I still find myself poised over a barathrum in my growlery where I have chosen to hide away from the world.

WORDS TO THE WISE - 5

CRESTFALLEN
adj.
downcast; disappointed or humiliated, especially after being enthusiastic or confident

WORDS TO THE WISE - 4

"MY WICKED MIND" EDITION

ENTHRALL
transitive verb
to hold in or reduce to slavery; to hold spellbound; charm

CAPITULATE
intransitive verb
to surrender, often after a negotiation of terms; to cease resisting

WORDS TO THE WISE - 3

TWO-FOR-ONE EDITION

LACONIC
adj.
using or involving the use of a minimum of words; concise to the point of seeming rude or mysterious

GARRULOUS
adj.
given to prosy, rambling, or tedious talkativeness; pointlessly or annoyingly talkative

WORDS TO THE WISE - 2

SOMEWHAT DARK EDITION

ENNUI
noun  
weariness and dissatisfaction with life that results from a loss of interest or sense of excitement

I know that I wanted to post only inspiring words when I had first invisioned my word of the month.  However, since I am upping the anty with my words to the wise, so to speak, I've decided that there is room for fun, rare, dark, and just because words along with the inspiring. 

WORDS TO THE WISE

ALTILOQUENT
adj.  high sounding, pompous in speech; high flown or pretentious language

I had originally wanted to post a word of the month but wanted the freedom to do more than one a month if I so desired and even one a day if I had the gumption to do so.  So, here is my new post series, "Words to the Wise."  If you are not familiar with the idiom "word to the wise" it means that you only have to hint at something to wise people in order for them to understand the point you are trying to make.  Wise people do not need long explainations.  I had the inspiration that this would be a fitting play on words for my purposes here.  ENJOY!

DORMANT

So, I have been having to deal with an unfortunate state of my own body that is making much sought after progress basically unreachable. Not only much sought after but actively and vigorously sought after. No, I'm not just wishing for change. I am pursuing change like a thief in the night who has taken a prized possession. And yet he still eludes me.

Now, what to do?

....

.....

......

Nothing.

Frustrating. Infuriating.

I could ask myself the question again. I could ask someone else the question. What is even more frustrating is that the ones there to help me with specific knowledge and even the ones who are friends who should be there to support me as I would be them don't get it. They do not understand. More upsettingly so, probably think I'm just not putting in enough effort. I am going to be brutally honest with myself now. I have not done 100% of what I COULD have done (more like 80%). I must say, in my own defense, working so hard towards a set goal and getting nowhere does nothing for ones motivation or perseverance. Now I have not stopped my heated efforts, but they have definitely cooled in the harsh light of this persistent state of "dormancy."

Dormant - adjective

-not actively growing; an inactive state when growth and development slow or cease.

The only thing I can come up with is "carry on." Keep going. Persevere. Tirelessly. I wonder how many others could go on when a goal so sincerely set and pursued is not coming to fruition. I have seen others embark on this same journey and make marked progress. This is even more infuriating. I have not only continued in my efforts but also sought to correct the issues keeping me stuck but to no avail. And yet, I continue to forge on.

Maybe my lesson is perseverance. To finally get from nowhere to now here.

Single White/Asian Female, Can Cook? or What is Crossfit or My Paleo Challenge

So I began a personal challenge this month. It began on 02-22-12. I decided that I am eating clean, ie. Paleo, until Easter. What is Paleo you ask? Let me explain. No, let me sum up. The Paleolithic diet or Caveman diet allows the following foods: meats (protiens), vegetables, fruits, seeds and nuts. So it follows that that it does not allow the following things: grains of any kind, dairy of any kind, no alcohol of any kind or sugar of any kind. To look at it another way, nothing processed. There are levels of Paleo or several camps about what is allowed and what is not. Some allow honey, sweet potatoes, and wine. For my challenge, I am not including those things.

Where did this idea come from, you ask? Well, I do Crossfit. I have been a Crossfitter for one year now. What is Crossfit, you ask? Well it is a fitness movement. Some call it the sport of fitness. So then, what is fitness? Fitness is increased work capacity across broad time and modal domains. And Crossfit, put very simply, is constantly varied functional movements executed at high intensity. To be more specific, there are ten pillars of Crossfit:

Cardio Respiratory Endurance: the abilty of cardivascular/respiratory systems to gather, process and deliver oxygen.
Strength: the ability of a muscular unit, or combination of muscular units, to apply force.
Stamina: the ability of body systems to process, deliver, store and utilize energy.
Flexibility: the ability to maximize the range of motion at a given joint.
Power: the ability of a muscular unit, or combination of muscular units, to apply maximum force in a minimum time.
Speed: the ability to minimize the time cycle of a repeated movement.
Coordination: the ability to combine several distinct movement patterns into a singular distinct movement.
Accuracy: the ability to control movement in a given direction or at a given intensity.
Agility: the ability to minimize transition time from one movement to pattern to another.
Balance: the ability to control the placement of the body's center of gravity in relation to it's support base.

So I am doing Paleo because I drank the Koolaid at the Crossfit gym I go to, so to speak. Many of those who do Crossfit, also eat Paleo. Not as a "diet" but because eating this way is good for you for many reasons I will not go into here. If you want further information on Paleo here is the link to an excellent and mercifully short article on it: http://www.fitbomb.com/p/why-i-eat-paleo.html. If you want the down and dirty details on the subject, a good book is "The Paleo Solution" by Robb Wolf.

I first took on a Paleo challange last year at my gym for 30 days. And it was a challange. I was rather new to the Paleo diet and also had never given up, outright, such wonders as grains, dairy, alcohol, and sugar. You know, bread with butter, cheese, my vodka and pineapple juice, and desserts. But nothing was as difficult for this Japanese American girl as white rice and potatoes. Go figure. This led me to be very strict and succeed but it was rather boring. Sauteed tilapia with broccoli and lots of eggs. After that experience I continued to eat Paleo about 70% of the time and it made me appreciate the food choices I make several times everyday as well as my choices on where to get my food and where my food came from. I also began to eat mainly grass fed beef, free range chicken, and locally grown produce whenever possible. I really embraced locally grown food and ethically raised protien sources.

On this round of clean Paleo eating I am on a mission. No more boring eating. Just because I am eating Paleo doesn't mean I am bound to eating the same things all of the time. I may be eating like a caveman but that doesn't mean I am one. We have come a long way baby. We have, as a human race, cultivated creativity in the kitchen and I don't plan on throwing the proverbial baby out with the bathwater.

I have been getting several Paleo cookbooks, both downloadable and printed, and have also been doing some dreaming. There are so many Paleo recipe sites on the web and Paleo recipe books in the store. OK, maybe not many but several. I have prepared several recipes that sounded good as well as some desserts. Yes, you read it right, desserts. Sweetened with fruit only and good. But my favorite by far was my success from last night. I just decided that I wanted Indian food. So I asked what could be Paleo friendly? Tandoori Chicken of course. If you know Indian cooking or food in general you know it is almost always prepared with yogurt. Tandoori Chicken is no exception. So my next obstacle, what to use to replace the yogurt in the recipe? This proved to be insurmountable. The yogurt in the marinade serves to tenderize the meat. Nothing can replace it except soy yogurt and soy is also not allowed on Paleo. There is such a thing as coconut yogurt which would be allowed but I did not have any and wanted to cook this immediately. Since I have never been one to give up on something I want I decided to use coconut milk. I just followed the spirit of the traditional indian recipe.

The result? Magic. I was speechless. And not only because my mouth was full of chicken. You see, I am not much of a cook. In fact I am no cook. I can cook a few things well. I make a mean Pot Roast. I make a great beef and brocolli stir fry. However, I have never been one to cook on a regular basis or to experiment in the kitchen. Maybe due to being single and not feeling cooking for one and the fact that I have never been successful at adding a pinch of this and that and coming up pleased in the kitchen. Yesterday my eyes were forever opened to the possibilities of being a cook. I have always been an eater. I love food and I'm rather picky about it. So to realize that I can tweak a recipe and come out smelling like a rose? Priceless. Don't get me wrong. I can follow a recipe. This was a whole new level of wonder. Experimentation. Success.

So here is my recipe for Paleo Baked Tandoori Chicken:
Ingredients: one whole chicken cut into breasts, thighs, legs, wings, etc; two cans of lite coconut milk; 1/2 finely chopped onion; 2 cloves of finely chopped garlic cloves; 2-3 teaspoons of garum masala (spice blend); and 2-3 tablespoons of Tandoori Spice (spice blend from Penzy's Spices).
Directions: A day before or at least six hours before cooking mix onion, garlic, and spices into the coconut milk and put chicken into resulting marinade and refrigerate. When completed put chicken and all of marinade into a baking dish and bake at 350 degrees for two hours.
Cooks note: Due to my own tastes I will in the future use only dark meat for this recipe. Also, added the marinade to the bake as it makes it's own gravy and it is to die for.

Side dish recipe I tweaked: Cauliflower "Rice:"
Ingredients: one whole cauliflower and grapeseed oil.
Directions: Cut the cauliflower into smaller pieces and put into food processor until it is a rice like consistency. Put the cauliflower into a sautee pan with grapeseed oil and sautee for about ten minutes or until slightly broken down but not mushy.
Cooks note: I'm sure some may want to add other spices to this but I wanted something similar to white rice, not dirty rice. Experiment.

More to follow, hopefully, on my Paleo Challenge, Crossfit, Paleo Cooking, and my views on life in general. Happy personal revelations to you! Peace!

WORD OF THE MONTH, MAY 2011

INTREPID

adj. resolutely courageous; fearless

In an effort to: learn, grow and improve everyday of my life; be inspired; and finally, be inspiring; I will be posting a new word every month to embody in my own life and hopefully yours!

Dark Seasons of the Soul

I am inevitably going to loose my pet cat companion of over sixteen years. Her name is Pandora, she is seventeen plus years old and I have had the honor of sharing her life with her since she was about one years old. She is a gentle and loving spirit. All who meet her (of quality) recognize this immediately. I wonder about those who cannot see animals have a spirit of their own and consider them mere things, but that is a topic for another time. Pandora has been in an extended period of kidney failure, high blood pressure, and partial blindness since April of 2010. I have taken ALL measures possible, sparing no expense or inconvenience, to keep her quality of life high and pain at a very minimum if not nonexistant. I give her several daily medications, daily IV fluids and take her to the vet for regular injections of hormones.

She is failing despite all efforts and being a valiant fighter and survivor. I must now watch her get weaker, loose her sight, struggle to eat and walk, and loose her quality of life.

I am not handling this future loss and current pain at watching her slowly decline towards death. It is torture for me, daily and insidious, and has been for months now. I hurt. My heart feels dead in places. I cannot 'be' with this loss and pain, cannot accept it even though there is nothing else I can do but accept it. I want to fix it, make it better, make it stop. I am powerless to stop aging and death and, so it seems, to be at peace. I cannot love her and care for her without crying, robbing her of my peaceful energy that might help her also be at peace. This last part plagues me with guilt. I want to at least help her pass with love and peace.

I have a few close friends who have pets, feel as strongly about them as I do, and whom have gone through their loss before and therefore empathize with me and try their best to support me while living their own lives. I also have some who do not seem to register my despair. Perhaps they cannot deal with this pain, they do not find it of importance, it is inconvenient for them, or perhaps just do not care that much. It unsettles me that I do not have that support from all of those whom I consider close to me. Perhaps because I would do anything for a friend in need. I have been there when it is inconvenient, uncomfortable, and painful. Perhaps because it is at these incovenient, uncomfortable, and dark seasons of the soul that I especially need community, understanding, and support. I treasure those friends who know me so well and care for me so much that they see me or at least ask and find the truth there where it is difficult for them to see and then are present with me both in joyous times and despair both. I wish from the depths of my being for a true friend to go with me through this. I wonder if this only happens when you have a partner/spouse/significant other, not with mere friends. Maybe the sense of family I feel with my friends is not true reality or is different for me because I do not have that partner as many others do. Or worse, do we, like when we die, ultimately deal with darkness and despair alone.

I wonder if anyone gets it?

I was wondering recently. Maybe it is because I recently turned the frightening age of 40, maybe due to the circumtances that surround me, or maybe due to my own set of circumstances (that I will say I find myself in when really I am fully responsible for).

I have many, many friends (I really would like to add another many) who recently have gotten married or who are planning weddings in the near future. So many that I find myself one of the only single people I know, especially at age 40. In pondering this I realized that most of those people are mid-twenties to thirty years of age and are in that stage of their lives. To go on, (as I realized I am sometimes very dense) I realized that I also was in that stage of my life, amazingly, when I was in my mid-twenties. I was "in love" and got engaged and then planned a wedding and got married. And about seven years later I was divorced. I'm not lamenting this fact, just stating it. It was the right thing to do. As right as not getting married when I did and to whom I did would have been. It just hit me recently as I sometimes see that "poor Rona" look in my paired off friends faces when they see the lonely, single, 40 year old (some more than others), that I have been there, done that. Not that I don't want to ever do "that" again, but I needed to reinforce this to myself and then thought "I wonder if anyone else gets it?" There is a huge part of me that is happy as things are and a part that wants more.

I wonder how others see me, see my life and the choices I have made? Do they see the inherent errors in all living and learning? Do they pity me? Do they respect me? Do they understand me? Would they tell me if they did or didn't?

(I apoligize for my flagrent use of parentheses and quotation marks in this and all of my other writings.)

What do I want?

I was thinking about what it is I want. It led me to ponder: what does everyone want, humans, the peoples of this world in general. Is it a purpose in life or do we get more and more specific. Success. Wealth. Power. Popularity. Acceptance. Happiness. Peace. To feel "full."

Let's go one step further. There is one thing that encompases all this that suddenly comes to mind. To avoid suffering and/or pain.

I realize the validity of this as I can see in it most of my actions. Most of the time I can track backwards and find that most things I do are to avoid pain. There are so many flavors of pain out there. Failure, loniliness, mental anguish, loss, self critisism, ridicule, the feeling of being in quick sand, or just plain invisibility. It's so very different for every being and yet (maybe comfortingly) the same for every being.

I still feel more confident in stating it more poetically, we all want "peace" in order to live our life to it's fullest in our own unique way.

And what do you know, even after that archeological excavation into the inner reaches of the psyche I have come full circle. What do I want? The specifics remain elusive.

A Purpose, Your Purpose

I wonder how many others out there in the big wide world long for a purpose in life.

How many already have a purpose. How many have always known their purpose. How many have had to search for it or had to hunt for it like a agent searching for a serial killer about to make his next kill. How many are still searching longingly for a purpose. And even how many don't really see the need or have never even wasted one fleeting thought on the subject at all. How many have outright given up entirely on finding their purpose?

Me? Perhaps this will be enlightening...

heaviness in heart

uneasy, unsure, unknown

what to do? and how?